some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
May the power of my ass compel you!!
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