the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Even my vagina gasped.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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