I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
