if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
