Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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