also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
