i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
