Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
