My nipple is on Facebook.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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