Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
