The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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