And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
