WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Randomize
