i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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