If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
