How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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