I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
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