I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
