From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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