I'm so fucking centered right now
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Someone shattered a urinal.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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