I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
