How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
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