My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
