so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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