My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
