Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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