I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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