if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
