well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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