Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
