They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
