Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
