If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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