My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
