we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
