I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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