does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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