What did we do last night that was yellow?
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
