I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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