five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Randomize
