if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
