nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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