gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
