It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
did i just pee glitter
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
