if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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