Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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