i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
