I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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