Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
