fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
