On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
