Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
