Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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