i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
