just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
