Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
