I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
17 year olds will be the death of me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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