I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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