I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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